Another BFN

We didn't get a Christmas miracle.  Instead, we got another BFN.  In the world of virtual infertility support, BFN stands for big fat negative.  

I went to Labcorp on that following Monday for my blood pregnancy test, and that test was ordered STAT so that I could have results by the end of the day.  But the end of the day came and my nurse said they still hadn't received the report.  We knew the answer, though, because I took another home pregnancy test and it was negative.  

I got the call from my nurse the next day after she finally got the report and the negative was confirmed.  My HCG level dropped to <1.  I think we had already processed the emotions of sadness and anger, so at this point we felt pretty numb to it.  I mean, this is nothing new to us, we've been here before.  

We have two embryos left.  We want to find answers.  We want to know why I've miscarried and why I've lost 6 embryos that could have been our babies.  We want to get this figured out before going through another transfer.

So, we've started doing our own research and we've made an appointment with a Reproductive Immunologist (RI) for a consult.  We've always thought that my body was fighting off pregnancies and rejecting the embryos, ever since I got super sick with our first pregnancy (miscarriage), second pregnancy (Chase), and at least the first IVF transfer.  We've also wondered if our blood types are incompatible for conception.  We have a lot of thoughts on what might be going wrong, and it's frustrating that no doctor has been looking for it.  Of course, we've only been working with Reproductive Endocrinologists (RE) and they don't typically consider the immune system nor do they typically play nice with an RI.  So, we are taking this into our own hands and doing our own research and advocating for ourselves.  We don't know what the outcome will be, but our consult with an RI is on January 12th as is our regroup with our RE.

In the meantime, I've joined two Facebook support groups specifically for women/couples who have failed IVF multiple times and are seeking reproductive immunology care/treatment, and I'm learning a lot.  I'm also reading this book and have become obsessed with learning everything I possibly can:

  

Chase knows that we are trying and that the doctors are trying to help us, but he also knows that it isn't working out.  He will pat my tummy or his tummy and say that he is sad, and it breaks my heart.  As juvenile as it sounds, it's just not fair.  It's not fair that we can't have the family that we've dreamed of.  It's not fair that Chase can't have a sibling no matter how hard we try.  It's not fair that my body won't do what a woman's body is supposed to do.  And it's not fair that we have to have such a huge financial burden to try building our family (because health insurance doesn't pay for any of it).

Hoping that the RI can give us some answers and help us.  It will take a lot more time, and we are all getting older, but I'm so hopeful that the wait will be worth it.

We are also coming to realize that we may need to seriously seek out a surrogate in case we can't be helped.  I don't want to go through an agency or someone I don't know (nor can we afford it after paying for 4 cycles of IVF).  If we have to go that route, I'm hoping to find someone that we know and trust, that has had no issues with conception, and that would allow us to be a large part of the pregnancy.  But fingers crossed that this is not the path we have to go down.  Hopefully we will find out soon.

Transfer Day to Beta Day

Since our last update, I continued to prep for Transfer Day with lots of pills, patches, and shots every day.  I also had an intralipid infusion to help my immune system.  And, of course, Andrew did everything he could to reduce my stress levels to keep my heart rate and blood flow as good as possible.

Finally, Monday, December 7th came - Transfer Day!  

That morning, after waking up at 5:30am to take one of my shots, I opened Facebook and a memory popped up that exactly 5 years ago on Dec. 7th, I had an embryo transfer at our second clinic, CCRM.  What a surprise.  I had no idea that I was doing the exact same thing on Dec. 7th only 5 years earlier.

Interestingly, this nurse, Cindy, (pictured with me) from CCRM is now at our current clinic, Conceptions.  While she's not my current nurse, I was able to send her a message with this picture, and received this sweet message in return (through my current nurse):

OMGOSH! This made my day! She's the absolute sweetest and I know it will go well!!! If you speak with her please send her my love!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

Transfer Day went perfectly!  I took a Valium to get relaxed, went through acupuncture twice, and had a smooth transfer.  Our embryo thawed beautifully and starting hatching - a great sign!   

And I wore Wonder Woman socks that my friend, Leslie, gave me for my birthday. 💪

Once home, I slept and rested a lot.  I was even showered with floral arrangements and food from my awesome family and friends.  

But I was feeling antsy and I knew that I couldn't wait 11 days until the blood pregnancy test to find out what was happening.  Sooo, I convinced Andrew to buy a pregnancy test and support my desire to take one.   On day 3 (3dp5dt = 3 days post 5 day transfer), I took a test.  It was so early, and neither of us expected a positive, but I still wanted to test.  

You guys!!!!  😍😍😍  This is the first time we've seen a positive pregnancy since Chase's, 8 years ago.  Andrew looked at the test first, and I'll never forget his face - surprised look with tears in his eyes - it was the most amazing thing! 

I had to go back to the clinic a day or two later for blood work to make sure that my hormone levels were appropriate.  And they were - everything was looking up.

And then.....I suddenly realized that I was on a different medication that I had not taken in my previous three transfers, and I wondered...could this medication give me a false positive?  Of course, I checked with Dr. Google, and as it turned out, yes, a false positive was possible.  Dang...ok.  Test again.

On day 6, we got another positive!  I was still feeling high, even though it may be false.  But I had so many symptoms - elevated heart rate, nausea, fatigue, mild cramping - so I was hopeful.  Test again.

Day 8.  Not pregnant??  Our hearts dropped.  My world felt crushed.  I couldn't believe it.  I was NOT expecting this.  It was an extremely rough day.  I remember telling Andrew, through tears, that I feel so stupid for repeatedly putting us through these IVF cycles.  Cycle, fail, cycle, fail, cycle, fail, cycle, fail.  Why do we continue to put ourselves through this? 

Day 10.  My sadness turned to anger.  The excuse for my previous failures was always because of my bad eggs.  But now we are using healthy donor eggs, and that excuse can't be used anymore.  So what's the deal?  Andrew and I really feel like there is a missing piece, something that no doctor has been able to find, something that no doctor has even looked for, but something wrong with my body.  

Holding on to very little hope, I went in for the blood pregnancy test today, December 18th.  About 6.5 hours went by and we got the call from a nurse.  Hormone levels looked awesome.  For the beta HCG, they consider anything over 5 to be positive, and on day 11, they would expect to see the level around 50-100.  My level... 2.4.  Not high enough to be positive, but not low enough to stop all meds and call it quits.  We are not expecting any miracles here, but I have to get another blood pregnancy test on Monday, December 21st to confirm that it's not positive.  As if the wait isn't long enough, we have to wait even more.  

I soooo sooo sooo wanted to share amazing news today.  But it looks like I've now failed 4 transfers and have lost 6 embryos.  Sigh... Until Monday...