Sad, but true

We have finally completed all IVF work up and testing.  Yesterday was the last of it.  I had an endometrial biopsy for Integrin, which will determine if I have the receptor cells necessary for embryo implantation.  I didn't know what to expect going in for this appointment, but it turned out to be a short uncomfortable procedure.  The doctor placed what looked like a plastic straw through the cervix and into the uterus, and scraped the inside of the uterus to obtain cells.  It felt like the worst menstrual cramps you can imagine.  But it was over pretty quickly, and now we wait 2-3 weeks for the results.

In the meantime, I will undergo a third laparoscopic procedure in which at least one of my fallopian tubes will be removed.  This is scheduled for August 6th.  Sadly, this is not deemed medically necessary in the eyes of our health insurance, so we will have to pay out of pocket for this as well--another $4,250.

The fees associated with infertility treatment keep piling up.  After the first failed cycle and going through the second cycle, we will have spent over $60,000--just to TRY to have another baby.  We are stressed and exhausted.

And, as I sit on the sidelines watching the many people around us celebrating their pregnancy, birth, twins, etc., my emotions are running high.  When people ask me "how are you," I smile and say "good" because it is an easy and polite response.  But actually, I'm feeling quite the opposite.  We are two years into this infertility hell, and tens of thousands of dollars are out the window.  I live this every single day.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how badly I want to grow our family, hold another miracle baby.  It is Chase's smiling face and Andrew's strength and optimism that keeps me going.

I wonder what it must feel like to just decide to have another baby and then actually have one, without any struggles or complications.  Even to get to Chase (our two year old son), we had to go through a surgery, the agony and heartbreak of a miscarriage, and several months of trying.  And now, my reproductive health is worse.  I just want to have the choice and ability to grow our family.  We are hoping that Dr. Schoolcraft at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine--one of the best in the world--can help us make our dreams come true.