The Results--Infertility Wins Again

The long wait is finally over.  This second cycle of IVF lasted nearly six months.  When we first started, the end seemed almost impossible to reach.  But, we are now nine days post frozen embryo transfer (FET) with results from the blood pregnancy test.

Before the transfer, we discussed whether or not we would use home pregnancy tests (HPT).  We were torn.  We knew I could get a false negative, which would cause stress.  Or I could get a positive without knowing that the HCG level is really too low or not doubling properly for a viable pregnancy.  But, as I scrolled through my online peer support group, I saw so many women sharing their positive HPTs (taken before their blood pregnancy test), and I knew that I wanted that too.  I started testing on day four, and kept testing every day until my blood test (today 12/16).  The results?

Negative.  Every single day.  It definitely caused a lot of stress and sadness for me.  I knew I should stop, but I became addicted, hoping to see a positive each time.

"Maybe it's a late implanter" is what many of my peers (from the support group) said.  But, I knew from that first test that it would not be a good outcome.  And today, we experienced what I feared--my HCG is negative, and we failed again.

How could this be??  We've been through so much in this journey.  I've been through multiple surgeries, I've transformed my diet (no more caffeine including chocolate--my favorite!, gluten-free, no alcohol, etc.), I've tried acupuncture, I've been poked hundreds of times between the injections and the blood work, and we've spent over $60,000 in the process.  I'm now being treated by a renowned physician at one of the nation's leading fertility clinics.  And we still failed.

We don't know what went wrong, especially since the embryo was chromosomally normal.  It could be the endometriosis.  Once the damage is done, there is no turning back.  The disease is not curable, the damage is not fixable.  We have a regroup scheduled with our doctor on January 5th.  So, at this time, we are taking a break and we will enjoy the holiday with our family and friends.

When I look back over this entire blog, I am reminded that we spent an entire year (all of 2015) in IVF.  The year and a half before that was just us doing what we could, trying to conceive naturally.  Two and a half years of the nightmare that is infertility.  We aren't done fighting, but we don't know what our next step will be.