It's not even the end of the month yet, and we are already emotionally and physically ready to give IVF another shot. We recently met with our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) to discuss the first cycle of IVF and what likely went wrong. I was on the maximum protocol--as much medication as possible (to improve ovarian reserve and for egg retrieval) for as long as possible. Our RE said there is nothing that we could do differently in a future IVF cycle that will likely change the outcome. My eggs have been destroyed by endometriosis--I have a small supply of poor quality eggs.
Our only shot at having our own biological child is to go through IVF again, but with donor eggs. I have accepted this 100%, knowing that our child won't have any of my genes. My uterus is still healthy enough to carry, and the baby would be half of Andrew and a biological sibling for Chase. And, our chances of pregnancy increase to 75-80%! This is the direction we hope to move in.
After my initial diagnosis of stage III-IV endometriosis in 2011, I didn't really give it much thought. I knew that infertility was a possibility, but it wasn't something that weighed on me constantly, especially since we were able to get pregnant twice after that diagnosis. But now, after trying to conceive again for 20 months and knowing that I now have stage IV endometriosis, I think about it every single day. Not necessarily because of the pain, cramping, and bleeding that comes along with it, but because it has truly affected my life--and Andrew's, too.
Sometimes I wish I knew why I have severe endometriosis. Sometimes I wish I could say that the poor choices I made in my younger years caused it, just so I would have something to blame it on. Instead, I have this disease that no one knows the cause of, which means that they can't find a cure. Instead, I have a disease for no known reason, and it has taken away my choice, my right, to have more children. People ask us all the time "are you ready for number two?" meaning another child. Yes, we are ready! If it were up to me, we would have five more. But, it's not up to me, it's not up to us. We no longer have the choice.
My endometriosis has attacked my abdominal cavity and reproductive system. I have organs that are glued together from the scar tissue and adhesions from endometriosis. My fallopian tubes have been crumpled and blocked from the disease. I have reoccurring ovarian cysts. And, worst of all, my egg supply and quality have been destroyed. Not only has the disease left me with regular discomfort and pain, but it has stripped our hopes of growing our family.
We now have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars just to TRY to have another baby--whether it's through an assistive reproductive technology or through adoption (which we are considering). As I mentioned above, we are now hoping to go through a second round of IVF, but with quality donor eggs. Donors are young with a high AMH (indicating quality eggs), and they are thoroughly screened (i.e. communicable diseases, family medical history, tobacco use, etc.). We will be able to choose our donor based on those results as well as physical appearance. We have decided to choose an anonymous donor so there will never be any emotional issues between me and the donor.
We've learned that IVF with donor eggs is actually more expensive than IVF with my own eggs. Luckily we have three options with donor eggs:
1) We choose a donor and keep all of her eggs (typically, 15-20 eggs are retrieved from quality donors). This choice is ideal to give us the best chance for pregnancy during this cycle and have eggs left over to freeze for a future cycle. However, this choice costs around $35,000.
2a) We can also choose a donor and keep half of her eggs. So, where do the other half go? Well, we can choose to share/split the eggs with another couple. This means that we would only get 7-10 eggs, and the other couple would get the same. This decreases our chance of having embryos left over for a future cycle. We would never meet the other couple, but we would have to choose the same donor. This could take months to a year before we find another couple that would just so happen to choose the exact same donor as us. This option costs around $25,000.
2b) Or, we can choose to share/split the donor's eggs with our fertility center. This means that we would again only get 7-10 eggs, and the fertility center would get the same amount to save for future use. We wouldn't have to wait for them to choose the same donor, so it would be a much quicker process. This option also costs around $25,000.
We have chosen the latter option. We would love to have more eggs, which increases our chances of having a future cycle (more babies!), but financially, the split/share option is more realistic. However, we are still struggling to find a way to make this happen since we drained most of our savings with the first cycle (our insurance does not cover infertility treatments).
Our families have graciously organized an online fundraiser (with YouCaring) for us in an effort to pay for a second cycle: http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/a-sibling-for-chase-walker/356677 We ask that you share our blog and YouCaring links with your friends and family. We wholeheartedly thank those that do share our links as it raises awareness about endometriosis and infertility. And, we can't thank our generous supporters enough for their donations--it means the world to us, and we will be happy to pay it forward some day soon.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Our final post
Earlier this week, on Monday, we learned that my HCG level was very low, at 6. This meant that an embryo did implant, but the HCG level was not indicating a viable pregnancy. On Wednesday, my HCG level was still at 6. We were told that this is very unusual. After two days, the level should have changed, either increased or decreased. So, we continued with the progesterone injections and estrogen patches, hoping again for a miracle. Our fingers were crossed...maybe it would increase! But, on Friday, I had my third blood pregnancy test. At 5pm we learned that my HCG level dropped to 3. This means that the implanted embryo stopping growing, and this confirmed that the pregnancy is not viable. We officially failed at IVF. Needless to say, this post is written with a heavy heart.
It is believed that this fail is due to my egg quality. The embryos that were transferred were likely chromosomally abnormal (due to the poor egg quality) and failed to further develop. We would probably be more successful if we used high quality eggs from a donor. Maybe one day we will explore that option...
If you are reading this blog because you are a caring friend or family member, thank you. Your positive thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement made it easier to move forward with every step in this journey.
If you are reading this blog because you are thinking about going through IVF, don't let our story scare you away. There are so many success stories out there, and those success stories kept me motivated along the way. There is this whole community out there filled with people just like us. I never knew that until we became public with our fertility struggles. Know that you are never alone, and there will always be someone somewhere that is willing to listen to your story and share theirs as well.
For now, our journey has come to an end. Maybe someday we will explore the option of using donor eggs. Maybe we will look into adoption. Who knows... But, for now, we are taking a break and getting back to normal life. We will decide when the time is right again to start a new journey in trying to conceive. Until then, this chapter is closed.
It is believed that this fail is due to my egg quality. The embryos that were transferred were likely chromosomally abnormal (due to the poor egg quality) and failed to further develop. We would probably be more successful if we used high quality eggs from a donor. Maybe one day we will explore that option...
If you are reading this blog because you are a caring friend or family member, thank you. Your positive thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement made it easier to move forward with every step in this journey.
If you are reading this blog because you are thinking about going through IVF, don't let our story scare you away. There are so many success stories out there, and those success stories kept me motivated along the way. There is this whole community out there filled with people just like us. I never knew that until we became public with our fertility struggles. Know that you are never alone, and there will always be someone somewhere that is willing to listen to your story and share theirs as well.
For now, our journey has come to an end. Maybe someday we will explore the option of using donor eggs. Maybe we will look into adoption. Who knows... But, for now, we are taking a break and getting back to normal life. We will decide when the time is right again to start a new journey in trying to conceive. Until then, this chapter is closed.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Results
Here we are, three and a half months after starting this journey, two weeks after the egg retrieval, and nine days after our first embryo transfer. Today, we had our blood pregnancy test. We waited and waited for the call that finally came around 4:45pm.
The results....not good. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) was only 6. At this point, a successful pregnancy would result in an HCG level of at least 50. Our nurse called this a "gray area." It's not negative, but it's no where near the level of a viable pregnancy. I will have a second blood pregnancy test on Wednesday, just to confirm our failed IVF cycle. We had two viable embryos, and we don't even get to have one.
We had so many people send us positive thoughts and so many people prayed for us. I can't believe how many views our blog has had and how many people have reached out to us. We are so appreciative of everyone's words of encouragement, support, and concern. I wish we had better news to share.
Instead, we are in a complete state of devastation. We put everything we have--emotionally, physically, and financially--into this. I did everything I was supposed to do--acupuncture, the Fertility diet, vitamin D supplements, prescription prenatal vitamins, multiple injections for several weeks, took a lengthy list of oral medications, was on bed rest after the embryo transfer--and none of it mattered.
I know that we are already luckier than some couples because we have Chase, our son who turns two years old in four days. But, I have to say that it doesn't take away the heartache that we are experiencing. It doesn't remove the desire we have to grow and expand our family. But, we have to move on, we have to put on a happy face, for Chase. He is what matters most. I don't know if this is the end of our journey. We don't want to give up, but we don't know what other options we realistically have. I never wanted an "only child," but I am so grateful for the only child we have.
The results....not good. My HCG (pregnancy hormone) was only 6. At this point, a successful pregnancy would result in an HCG level of at least 50. Our nurse called this a "gray area." It's not negative, but it's no where near the level of a viable pregnancy. I will have a second blood pregnancy test on Wednesday, just to confirm our failed IVF cycle. We had two viable embryos, and we don't even get to have one.
We had so many people send us positive thoughts and so many people prayed for us. I can't believe how many views our blog has had and how many people have reached out to us. We are so appreciative of everyone's words of encouragement, support, and concern. I wish we had better news to share.
Instead, we are in a complete state of devastation. We put everything we have--emotionally, physically, and financially--into this. I did everything I was supposed to do--acupuncture, the Fertility diet, vitamin D supplements, prescription prenatal vitamins, multiple injections for several weeks, took a lengthy list of oral medications, was on bed rest after the embryo transfer--and none of it mattered.
I know that we are already luckier than some couples because we have Chase, our son who turns two years old in four days. But, I have to say that it doesn't take away the heartache that we are experiencing. It doesn't remove the desire we have to grow and expand our family. But, we have to move on, we have to put on a happy face, for Chase. He is what matters most. I don't know if this is the end of our journey. We don't want to give up, but we don't know what other options we realistically have. I never wanted an "only child," but I am so grateful for the only child we have.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Things are looking up!
The world works in mysterious ways. Yesterday, we had one embryo with high quality grading--AB--and it was transferred. The other two embryos were graded CC and were deemed not viable. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist told us that the Embryologist would continue to watch those two embryos for another 24 hours. If, and it was a big IF, those two embryos continued to grow and improve, they would freeze them for a future transfer.
We weren't really expecting that to happen, given the poor quality. But then the phone rang at 10am today and I saw my doctor's name on the caller ID. Without getting my hopes up, I answered the call. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! One of those CC embryos changed over night and became an AB embryo! She wanted us to go into her office ASAP so she could make another transfer. I had to pause and ask her, "are you serious?!?" She said, "yes, I am serious...get here as soon as you can." A very large smile emerged, and I think Andrew was filled with more excitement than I was, if that is even possible.
So, off we went, and within 1-2 hours we had our second embryo transferred. Here is a picture of the little latecomer:
We weren't really expecting that to happen, given the poor quality. But then the phone rang at 10am today and I saw my doctor's name on the caller ID. Without getting my hopes up, I answered the call. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! One of those CC embryos changed over night and became an AB embryo! She wanted us to go into her office ASAP so she could make another transfer. I had to pause and ask her, "are you serious?!?" She said, "yes, I am serious...get here as soon as you can." A very large smile emerged, and I think Andrew was filled with more excitement than I was, if that is even possible.
So, off we went, and within 1-2 hours we had our second embryo transferred. Here is a picture of the little latecomer:
The picture of this embryo is unique as it is contracting. Once it gets to the expanded blastocyst phase, it contracts and expands to get out of the shell, preparing for implantation. It was transferred at just the right time.
The end-all goal is a successful pregnancy. While we are hoping that at least one embryo will implant, we will be ecstatic if both do.
Below is a picture of us right before the second transfer today. You could not wipe these smiles off of our faces if you tried.
Now, we anxiously await the 27th, when we will find out if either of the embryos have implanted!
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Cautiously optimistic
Today is Saturday, the day of our embryo transfer, day 5 since the egg retrieval. On days 1, 2, and 3 after the retrieval, we were updated on the status of our embryos. On day 4, we did not get a status update because the incubator isn't opened on day 4. So, our last update, on day 3, gave us hope as our three embryos were growing strong. We knew that our Reproductive Endocrinologist would transfer two embryos as long as there were two that met the requirements for transfer.
Everything changed today. In my last post, I included a picture of the embryo growth day-by-day, illustrating that the embryo should become a blastocyst on day 5. The blastocysts are "graded" based on their morphology quality. Both the "inner cell mass" (which forms the baby) and the "outer cell mass" (which forms the placenta) are graded. A grade of AA is the best quality. Today, two of our three embryos were graded as CC, which means they are not viable. Only one embryo had a grade of AB, which is not perfect, but is still very good quality. Here is a picture of our last remaining shot at this. This is our one and only embryo that made it to transfer day.
We started with 12 follicles, retrieved 9 eggs, and had 7 mature eggs. Only three of those eggs fertilized normally, and now we are down to one good quality embryo. One.
Today was a rough day for us. We went in to our appointment expecting to transfer two embryos and have one left to freeze. We weren't prepared for the news that only one embryo made it to the blastocyst phase. It was like the wind was suddenly knocked out of us.
But, we did it--we had our one little strong embryo transferred today. We are hoping for the best, but were told to be "cautiously optimistic." I'm not quite sure how to feel. Today should be an exciting day and we should be celebrating. Rather, I am nervous and uneasy. I will probably feel this way until our next appointment, which is our blood pregnancy test on April 27th. Until then, we continue to live in suspense.
Everything changed today. In my last post, I included a picture of the embryo growth day-by-day, illustrating that the embryo should become a blastocyst on day 5. The blastocysts are "graded" based on their morphology quality. Both the "inner cell mass" (which forms the baby) and the "outer cell mass" (which forms the placenta) are graded. A grade of AA is the best quality. Today, two of our three embryos were graded as CC, which means they are not viable. Only one embryo had a grade of AB, which is not perfect, but is still very good quality. Here is a picture of our last remaining shot at this. This is our one and only embryo that made it to transfer day.
We started with 12 follicles, retrieved 9 eggs, and had 7 mature eggs. Only three of those eggs fertilized normally, and now we are down to one good quality embryo. One.
Today was a rough day for us. We went in to our appointment expecting to transfer two embryos and have one left to freeze. We weren't prepared for the news that only one embryo made it to the blastocyst phase. It was like the wind was suddenly knocked out of us.
But, we did it--we had our one little strong embryo transferred today. We are hoping for the best, but were told to be "cautiously optimistic." I'm not quite sure how to feel. Today should be an exciting day and we should be celebrating. Rather, I am nervous and uneasy. I will probably feel this way until our next appointment, which is our blood pregnancy test on April 27th. Until then, we continue to live in suspense.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Embryo update
This roller coaster ride just won't end. (But when it does, I hope we are left with a smile.) I was reading another woman's blog of her journey in trying to conceive. She said, "Life as an IVF patient means that you pretty much live in a state of constant suspense." She couldn't be more right.
Our egg retrieval on Monday resulted in 9 eggs of 12 follicles. On Tuesday we got the first call from the embryologist regarding the fertilization results. Of the nine eggs, only seven were mature, ready for fertilization. Of those seven mature eggs, only three fertilized normally. Three. How could it be only three?? We started with 12 follicles and now we are down to three fertilized eggs.
The problem is my endometriosis and the effect it has on my eggs. Each of the seven mature eggs had to have any endometriosis cells removed, which also removes the binding agent that the sperm needs to fertilize the eggs. In addition, the endometriosis attacks the eggs, leaving them with poor quality. This is why we are left with only three normally fertilized eggs.
Once again, I felt heartbroken. I realize that three embryos is better than zero. But, at the same time, three is so few. And if anything happens with those three, then we are left with even fewer embryos. The fewer the embryos we have, the lesser the chance of a successful pregnancy from this cycle of IVF. Some people go through multiple rounds of IVF, so if it doesn't work out the first time, maybe it will the next time. But, I don't think we will have a "next time." It's expensive; it's REALLY expensive, especially when insurance won't pay a penny. Looking at Chase, we know that you can't put a price on having a child. It's the BEST experience in the world, and we would pay any price to have Chase all over again. But, the worst part of IVF is the stress, the emotional toll it takes. And we are not sure that it would be healthy for us to go through all of this again, especially with Andrew's heart condition.
The tables turned again today when we got the day-2 embryo update from our embryologist. The three embryos that made it to day-1 are still going strong. They have made it to day-2! Two of those eggs have divided into four cells and one of the eggs has divided into five cells. On day-2, they look for four cells; that is what's ideal. But, the 5-cell egg does not pose any problems right now, and all three embryos are of good quality. The picture below will help you better understand what the embryos should look like at each day. We hope that all three eggs make it to day-5, the blastocyst phase. On that day, we will have the embryo transfer.
The embryologist will call us again tomorrow with the day-3 update. They don't open the incubator on day-4, so tomorrow will be the last update we get until we go in for the transfer on day-5. We will try to stay positive until then :)
Our egg retrieval on Monday resulted in 9 eggs of 12 follicles. On Tuesday we got the first call from the embryologist regarding the fertilization results. Of the nine eggs, only seven were mature, ready for fertilization. Of those seven mature eggs, only three fertilized normally. Three. How could it be only three?? We started with 12 follicles and now we are down to three fertilized eggs.
The problem is my endometriosis and the effect it has on my eggs. Each of the seven mature eggs had to have any endometriosis cells removed, which also removes the binding agent that the sperm needs to fertilize the eggs. In addition, the endometriosis attacks the eggs, leaving them with poor quality. This is why we are left with only three normally fertilized eggs.
Once again, I felt heartbroken. I realize that three embryos is better than zero. But, at the same time, three is so few. And if anything happens with those three, then we are left with even fewer embryos. The fewer the embryos we have, the lesser the chance of a successful pregnancy from this cycle of IVF. Some people go through multiple rounds of IVF, so if it doesn't work out the first time, maybe it will the next time. But, I don't think we will have a "next time." It's expensive; it's REALLY expensive, especially when insurance won't pay a penny. Looking at Chase, we know that you can't put a price on having a child. It's the BEST experience in the world, and we would pay any price to have Chase all over again. But, the worst part of IVF is the stress, the emotional toll it takes. And we are not sure that it would be healthy for us to go through all of this again, especially with Andrew's heart condition.
The tables turned again today when we got the day-2 embryo update from our embryologist. The three embryos that made it to day-1 are still going strong. They have made it to day-2! Two of those eggs have divided into four cells and one of the eggs has divided into five cells. On day-2, they look for four cells; that is what's ideal. But, the 5-cell egg does not pose any problems right now, and all three embryos are of good quality. The picture below will help you better understand what the embryos should look like at each day. We hope that all three eggs make it to day-5, the blastocyst phase. On that day, we will have the embryo transfer.
The embryologist will call us again tomorrow with the day-3 update. They don't open the incubator on day-4, so tomorrow will be the last update we get until we go in for the transfer on day-5. We will try to stay positive until then :)
Monday, April 13, 2015
Egg Retrieval
Today was the first of three major days in this process--the egg retrieval. This is the day we have been prepping for since January. The other two days that we are eagerly awaiting are the embryo transfer and the blood pregnancy test.
Our most recent ultrasound, on Saturday 4/11, showed 12 follicles. At that time, my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) predicted that she would retrieve approximately nine eggs from those follicles because some of the smaller follicles would most likely not have a mature egg.
I was both excited and nervous going in to the egg retrieval today. The number of eggs retrieved directly impacts the number of embryos we hope to have. As I slowly awakened from anesthesia, I remember the first question I asked..."how many eggs did you retrieve?" I remember the response..."the eggs are still being counted, but at least five." I remember feeling happy and disappointed at the same time. Happy because five eggs is better than zero eggs. Disappointed because we hoped for so many more.
As I was transferred to the recovery room, Andrew was finally able to be by my side. The embryologist came in to talk to us and gave us the good news--they retrieved NINE eggs! The final count was complete. My RE's prediction was spot on. Nine!
The embryologist will now attempt to fertilize all of my eggs with Andrew's sperm. Once the eggs are fertilized, the embryologist will monitor them and give us an update every day until it is time for the embryo transfer. She will call me tomorrow with the initial fertilization results. It's so crazy to think that we might have a baby (or babies) starting to develop right now!
Now that the retrieval is over, we will update the IVF calendar again with all of the new medications I will be taking, including another injection and patches. The new injection I will be taking is progesterone oil. It is needed to support the lining of the uterus and maintain early pregnancy. I get to take this bad boy every day for the next 10 weeks.
Our most recent ultrasound, on Saturday 4/11, showed 12 follicles. At that time, my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) predicted that she would retrieve approximately nine eggs from those follicles because some of the smaller follicles would most likely not have a mature egg.
I was both excited and nervous going in to the egg retrieval today. The number of eggs retrieved directly impacts the number of embryos we hope to have. As I slowly awakened from anesthesia, I remember the first question I asked..."how many eggs did you retrieve?" I remember the response..."the eggs are still being counted, but at least five." I remember feeling happy and disappointed at the same time. Happy because five eggs is better than zero eggs. Disappointed because we hoped for so many more.
As I was transferred to the recovery room, Andrew was finally able to be by my side. The embryologist came in to talk to us and gave us the good news--they retrieved NINE eggs! The final count was complete. My RE's prediction was spot on. Nine!
The embryologist will now attempt to fertilize all of my eggs with Andrew's sperm. Once the eggs are fertilized, the embryologist will monitor them and give us an update every day until it is time for the embryo transfer. She will call me tomorrow with the initial fertilization results. It's so crazy to think that we might have a baby (or babies) starting to develop right now!
Now that the retrieval is over, we will update the IVF calendar again with all of the new medications I will be taking, including another injection and patches. The new injection I will be taking is progesterone oil. It is needed to support the lining of the uterus and maintain early pregnancy. I get to take this bad boy every day for the next 10 weeks.
We will continue to update our family and friends as we move to embryo transfer.
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